wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
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When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Cat is stressing him out.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.