I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
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“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?