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Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
LA today:
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.