I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
You Might Also Like
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks