SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
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No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
🤣🤣💀
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Childbirth is so beautiful
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days