Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
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You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.