I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
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Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
some things should go without saying
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
How to wake up a Beagle
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”