I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
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My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
what does he know…
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.