internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
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[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
i’m sure it’s fine
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.