Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
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I mean…but I did
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Encore…
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?