*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
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the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
much to think about
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.