I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
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I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care