I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
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So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.