*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
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My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.