Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
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[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
I have questions??
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.