Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
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[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
they finally got him. they got macavity
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.