I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
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My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
A flock of dads is called a grill.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?