[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
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YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.