Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
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Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.