[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
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“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?