I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
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I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.