Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
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Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Haha! 😂
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…