Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
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HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.