It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
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This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
That 👊
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
found my next D&D character name
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.