Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
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my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”