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Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Employees must applaud the planets.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.