Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
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3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.