Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
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I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.