Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
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Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
sigh
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.