Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
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“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert