The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
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*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
me as a parent
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Black Friday “markdowns” like