Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
You Might Also Like
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
This is my favorite one of these!
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.