Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
You Might Also Like
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.