People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
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My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this