Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
You Might Also Like
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
tell em, edith-anne
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it