I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
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JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
my proudest tweet