When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
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operators are standing by to ignore your call
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄