The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
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“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”