“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
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Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
what’s more important?
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
The smoothest fall of all time
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.