When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
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An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
I haven鈥檛 broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I鈥檝e had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
When you鈥檙e married, it鈥檚 important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can鈥檛 escape.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won鈥檛 play with you
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 馃檪
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you鈥檙e still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I am an influencer.
If you aren鈥檛 influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
ready to be harvested
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
same bro
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?