I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
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Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.