me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
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if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.