“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
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Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
hey, alexa
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.