My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
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The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Livid.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space