Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
You Might Also Like
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.