FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
This will never not be funny to me.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
#titanic
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Shark week, but for squirrels.