Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
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90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
boat question
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Has science gone too far?
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.