If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
You Might Also Like
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I think they could have phrased this better
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.