How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
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What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
I hope it’s French Onion!
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️