“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
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A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Mistakes were made
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.